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How to be an amazing parent

The parents said they were convinced that their daughter was genuine in her tears and upon that they went about their next part. I use the house door as a symbol, I wanted the child to really understand and feel what it was like to have no where to go and that if she was smart she would return home a different child.

Before opening the door the parents outlined what her life would be like this time around. They had their list of requests and "must haves" in order to let her back into the house and back into the family.

If she agreed to these then they would open the door and they would all start with a clean sheet, no nagging and bringing up old issues. If she didn't agree then they would turn the light off and go back to sleep, leaving her on her own.

No wonder they were smiling, I was by then, they had been brilliant. However to my surprise the father moved to the door of my office and opened it and in walked this 15 year-old daughter of theirs. I was totally surprised and wondering if I was about to get a yelling at from her when she walked over and gave me a hug and said, "Mum and Dad told me you put our family back together for us, thank you so much". Well I can honestly tell you there wasn't a dry eye in the office after that, even the parents hadn't thought she would say that.

This family in crisis felt the same emotional pain millions of other families do across our planet. My hope in telling you about this family is to let you know there is such a thing as a happy family and if your family is in crisis the number one thing to remember is:

Don't trick your mind into thinking the child will do terrible things if you don't let them have what they want. Children have to grow, they have to test and understand emotions. I've heard just about all the threats a child can offer to a parent and to me.

The child can and does attempt to convince their parents that these idle threats will be carried out. Once you give in to these "so called" threats, you have just trained that child to use them against you.

If for any reason you are dealing with your child and you suddenly feel anxious or fearful, instantly remove the feeling before you continue the conversation. I'VE SHOWN YOU HOW TO DO THAT. If you don't you will believe the child will harm itself and then YOU will become a parent afraid to discipline the child or give it a wonderful loving childhood, because you are coming from a view of fear and what if. Don't get fooled by threats of a child, these threats are really cries for help and they need their parents to take massive action to change things.

For example, an 11 to 16 year old wants to know if they fit in with others. This becomes their primary important priority in their life at this age. So communicate with them on this topic often so you can reassure them that they do in fact fit in.

Remember once children go to school

YOU ARE NO LONGER THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THEIR LIFE ANYMORE.

I realise that this may come as a shock to some parents but please understand. Your love as a parent has to be a love of allowing, allowing them to fall, so they may get back up, a love of allowing them to fail, so they alone can work out how to succeed. Only then have you prepared your child for adulthood effectively.

All parents want so much more for their children and sometimes that love can blind them. Parents often use the phrase, "I just want to give my children what I never had". In saying this though I believe we should be teaching them how to be happy for no reason rather than attempting to run a comparison on how our own childhood was. It should have no meaning to your own child's life, but we know it does. The best way to teach your children to live an amazing life, is to live one yourself. Teach by doing not by saying.

If you over compensate in order to rid yourself of the guilt and shame you still feel because of your own childhood, your child will suffer.

Over protective parents can ruin a young life before it has a chance to blossom. Love your children yes, but give them the freedom to learn from their actions and to take responsibility for their actions.

I used to read to my four sons when they were young and when I could I would always bring in a new book but make up the story rather than read the book. As my sons grew up I would tell them stories about what it was like when their great, great grandfather was alive, then about my life as a young boy their age.

They heard stories about how people would have to stand in a line all day in the pouring rain just to buy sugar. Times like that in our planets evolution that should teach lessons to future generations.

Today my sons are fathers and they often mention that those stories really grounded them and made them feel grateful and appreciate what they had and to understand what others didn't have.

My sons today as father's battle the minefields of mobile phones, internet and social network websites with their own children. I remind them to let their children know that once we could all walk down the high street shopping and if anyone was thirsty we would stop at one of the many drink fountains scattered along the street for a drink of FREE water. Today they build massive complexes and round you up in concrete shopping malls where the only place you can get water is out of a plastic bottle that costs you a fortune.

Here's the real issue. As the world continues to change so too should your skills as a parent.

Amazing Love Of A Child

TODAY it's the parents who NEED the love of the child because the parent isn't living an amazing life. Many of the parents I see have shattered relationships and marriages and highly stressful lives. So in order to have love the parent craves for the love of their child at any cost. Then when it's time to say no to the child and mean no the parent can't. Now we have a guilty parent and an out of control child being trained by the unwitting parent.

I can't remember how many smart little children have sat in my office and told me about how useless their parents are. They tell me things like "Patrick, my parents take my IPOD from me for being naughty. They say it's gone for a week, but I know I'll have it back in two days, Mum always gives in".

This is the type of parenting that confuses a child and trains them that the parent doesn't mean what is said and therefore they can do anything they want.

Parents live in fear of many things today. You don't need to believe that trick. Stop, don't buy the myth of the child's threat. Instead be that honest reliable parent. This rubbish and politically correct phrase that the child has rights has been well over used.

No one has ever stopped me from filming or taking pictures of my children or grandchild. Plenty have tried but I told them to go away or else.

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE PARENTS NOT A FRIEND

Patrick McNally PhD
Author Therapist Business Strategist

http://www.patrick-mcnally.com

Patrick has a PhD in Psychology, is a trained Clinical Hypnotherapist, an NLP Practitioner and is one of the worlds leading Change Clinicians and operates a private practice on three continents. UK, USA, Australia. He is a regular media commentator, appearing on Breakfast and Morning TV as well as taking calls from listeners on the many Radio talk back shows he appears on. He has featured in Pilot TV Shows on Fears and Phobias.

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